10 Ways To Explain Your ADHD To Friends And Family
Scroll to the bottom for the article summarization or keep reading for the more in depth understanding…
We all know it can be hard to understand people that live differently than us. But when you’re on the side of being misunderstood, it can get pretty dang frustrating. So whether you’re trying to understand someone that has ADHD or you want your ADHD to be understood in a way nobody seems to explain, this article is for you, (though I’ve written it more for someone that doesn’t quite understand ADHD).
So here are a few ways you can explain how your ADHD works to your friends or family:
1/10 There’s nothing wrong with us and nothing to fix:
The world looks at us as if we’re ineffective or broken and it can really make a negative effect on us, especially since it’s not even true in the first place. In fact, there are 2 brain types to mention here such as the “neurodiverse” brain, (those with ADHD) and the “neurotypical” brain, (those without ADHD). All we want you to know is that there is no difference between us, except we have different problems. It’s hard not taking it personally when those closest to us think there’s something wrong with us just because our problems look different. And trust me, we really aren’t doing things to annoy you on purpose…most the time ;)
2/10 Fitting into society is a little less natural for us:
Those with ADHD only experience such a large difference in society, because the society we just so happen to live in requires us to live according to the masses. Unfortunately, that means whomever doesn’t naturally adapt to the way of the masses is going to have a harder time. A neurodiverse brain is not an easy thing to have when the world demands you to live and think just like it asks you to in order to thrive. Those of us that have become very successful have only done so because of the strategies they’ve worked very hard to create. It’s not impossible, but it is difficult, so any praise and support can go a long way.
3/10 We’re living the story of the ugly duckling:
We’re told all our lives that we’re so different, just like the story of the ugly duckling. All the little ducks look at swan and see it to be a weirdo out of his league, when in reality it’s only seen that way because it’s only surrounded by other ducks and not other swans. Imagine if the majority of the world was full of those with ADHD and you were the outcast. The only time we feel understood is when we run into someone else like us, like when two friendly dogs run into eachother at the park. I bet you totally just imagined it didn’t you?
4/10 We’re not broken, just different:
We’re more like like a “left handed person in a world full of right handed people” than what seems to feel like a “broken handed people in a right handed world” kind of life. Basically, those with ADHD are not broken, but different like introverts vs extroverts or apples vs oranges. Of course, in a world full of extroverts (for example), an introvert will stand out because they don’t join the crowd as much. But it doesn’t make an introvert less caring just because they more naturally prefer alone time. In fact, it probably means they can more easily have one-on-ones, creating a more powerful space to connect on a deeper level when someone joins them. But that is going to be hard to see when there’s a world full of extroverts that only know connection defined as being out in public and socializing in groups.
5/10 We are NOT lazy:
We totally understand why you may think we’re lazy, because we’re forced to see why in a world that mostly has one brain type. But I’ll be the first to say, our intention is nothing near lazy. In fact, we’re hyperfocused on something else. Our brains go a mile a minute and it’s hard to focus on all the information going on in our heads at once, so our brains decide to focus on whatever seems most important (aka, whatever gives us the most dopamine). If you had a pile of papers on your desk, you’d be overwhelmed and you’d want to handle the most important task first. And of course, when you’re handling one thing, you’re going to have to ignore the other. For those with ADHD, the most important paper is more like a glowing cupcake on a stack of taxes. Obviously, we’re going to focus on the cupcake. So if there’s something you or the world finds important that we don’t (the tax papers for example), it won’t matter to us at the same extent unless it fits into what we’re already finding important (the glowing cupcake).
6/10 We get caught up in our tasks so much that time slips away:
Those with ADHD are absolutely incredible problem solvers. Our mind is always thinking of all the information necessary to solve a problem, even to the point where we can ‘t control it. It almost feels like someone is constantly slipping envelopes with secret messages under our door all day long. It’s so hard not to read into it. Of course, with all that information, time easily takes a backseat. What may seem like something small to you is only so because you’re only looking at it with a small amount of information. Someone with ADHD can see that same issue and we’ll want to connect the dots. This can cause us to get lost in the game so much that we forget time exists. When you watch a movie, you don’t really think about what time it is because you’re lost in the story and for us, it’s the same thing, but with anything that draws our curiosity. Our imagination is still at the same strength as when we were kids, so imagination is very powerful. However, this can be both a blessing and a curse, because it can either majorly distract us or it can push our imagination or problem solving abilities beyond what most people will see. This is great for the innovators, but not so much for the “9-5ers”.
7/10 We HAVE to do what works for us:
What works for anyone else is very difficult to force into our daily lives. So instead of saying, “tough it up and just do it”, ask “what can I do to help you in a way that works best for you?” or “what can I do to really motivate you?”. Even procrastinating may not be such a bad thing for us, because sometimes it actually comes in handy. We may leave writing our college papers until literally the night before, but we also have a strangely useful superpower called “hyperfocus” that helps us stay focused and motivated enough to pull an all nighter without really even getting tired or off track. The thrill of urgency actually pumps us up a lot of the time. Believe it or not I’ve coached many clients that actually get really good grades by procrastinating. But even though we can more easily procrastinate productively in ways most people find super stressful, over time it gets exhausting and it’s important to limit procrastination as much as possible. But if you want to help someone you know procrastinate less, then setup challenges and rewards that they feel actually motivates them. The most important part to ADHD growth with a loved one is incorporating accountability and dopamine strategically.
8/10 We promise we’re not trying to waste your time:
For most, time is has the simple rule of “don’t be late”, but for those with ADHD time is best used as a tool rather than a source of daily life. Please be patient with us! Our brains lead us to care more about solving a problem or performing a task than time. To us, we see the importance of solving a problem or performing a task as “wouldn’t they care more that I get the job done or solve the issue than what time it’s done?” or “Oh, I just came up with 10 ways to improve this! I can’t risk not implementing these ideas, even if it means going over for some extra time”. For those that have ADHD, talk to your friends and family and let them know what helps you perform best. They won’t know unless you tell them. And if you don’t know, just ask them to experiment with you and be patient. And for those that don’t have ADHD, help us plan around the task finishing at a certain time, not the time itself. As hard as we try, time will always slip by, so meet us where we’re already looking, (unless it’s extremely time sensitive like picking up the kids. In that case, alarms can be very effective).
Don’t do this: “Please go to the store at 4:00”
Do this: “Please go to the store once you finish your task that typically ends around 4:00”
The point is to put more emphasis on letting the person with ADHD finish their task on their own time, but with a sense of urgency rather than making time so strict. If being early is important, then plan to only give yourself a small task or 2 that won’t last very long beforehand. You basically would want to a task where you won’t get too invested.
9/10 Therapy and medication are NOT always the answer:
Therapy can absolutely supportive and it’s not unusual to have both an ADHD coach and a therapist. But a therapist and medication shouldn’t always be the go-to. You wouldn’t go to the eye doctor if you felt foot pain. Yes, an eye doctor is helpful, but they most likely can’t solve the problem that’s needed. However, if you have both foot pain and you can’t see straight, it’s probably most appropriate to see two kinds of doctors (or maybe you’ve been watching too many really catchy dance videos). All I’m saying is, don’t assume there’s a one size fits all approach. As an ADHD coach, many clients come to me upset that therapy didn’t really do anything for them, because all they really wanted was a system to help them with their goals.
Here’s a really helpful tip to tell if therapy or an ADHD coach would be better for you:
The best thing someone with ADHD can do, is to first ask themselves:
“Is there an issue from my past that is affecting me?” / “Should I look into medication to help me focus?”
“Do I want to build specific habits?” / “Do I want to setup strategic systems for my future self to achieve specific goals?”.
If it’s one of the first options, talk to a therapist, but if it’s one of the second options, snag a free 15 minute virtual coffee with an ADHD coach here. And if it’s both, try both.
10/10 As an ADHD coach of 18 years, I’ve found success between someone with ADHD and their loved ones boils down to 3 things:
Communicate openly
Experiment with accountability
And have empathy for one another
↓ The article summarized for my fellow ADHDers ↓
Basically have them read these 10 things:
We don’t need to be “fixed”, because we have a different brain type.
It’s actually harder for us to fit in, so go easy on us.
We just want to be understood. We feel like nobody gets us except others with ADHD.
If we’re weird or different, just know it’s because we think differently than most people.
WE ARE NOT LAZY! We value different things. Most value time, but we value tasks. We’re good at doing a ton of different things, but we don’t call others lazy for struggling to handle everything the way we more easily can.
Because we’re a little extra passionate about a task if it speaks to us, we may lose track of time. It feels like we’re in a trance beyond what you can imagine. We run off dopamine even more than the average person, so things that are a big deal are 2-3 times the size of importance to us.
If you see us using a system that seems off, but it works for us, that’s almost always a good thing. Since we can’t change the flow of dopamine, we just go where the dopamine is.
We actually really really want to be respectful, but once again, time is not easy for us to understand due to our brain type. So just know we’re not trying to be rude about being late.
Therapy and medication should be secondary (if necessary at all), not first. The first thing to do is to get clear on these questions, “Do I want to be diagnosed to help clear my past issues and get medication as support me with my focus?” or “Do I want my own doable daily systems so that I can finally stop struggling with my daily ADHD issues and start reaching my goals?”.
Success between someone with ADHD and their loved ones boils down to 3 things:
Communicate openly
Experiment with accountability
And have empathy for one another
What to do: Take the ADHD test here
Download a pdf of free ADHD tips and tools here —> MasterADHDnow.com.
Snag a FREE no obligation,15 minute virtual coffee here.