Your ADHD Child: "What I Wish My Parents Knew"
Scroll to the bottom for the article summarization or keep reading for the more in depth understanding…
Yup, parenting is easier than you thought right? WRONG!
Not only is parenting challenging on it's own, but now that you've found out your kid has ADHD, it almost feels like you're carrying a backpack full of bricks everywhere you go.
Well, fear not, because as an ADHD coach that has been diagnosed with ADD since I was 6 years old, I'm going to give you the inside scoop of what your kid might be thinking and how you can have the upper hand over their ADHD, (and lets not forget the letting go of all that stress and worry).
ADHD Kid Opinion #1: “Medication actually made things worse for me”
Yes, medication can be extremely helpful and your child may have no problem with it what so ever. However, putting your kids on medication, if there’s a major life change occurring, I’d highly suggest putting extra time into consideration. This is all from my personal opinion, as I’m not a Dr., so take what I say here with a grain of salt.
I’m just giving my opinion as a former child with ADD that was going through a lot while I was put on medication and a lot of symptoms for what was supposed to be my ADD was actually from my depression. You can watch this very well done Ted talk, describing the confusion around the similarities between trauma symptoms and ADHD symptoms.
If you’re going through a divorce, move, or other major life change, your kid might be experiencing it even more than you are.
It’s hard enough getting through childhood not knowing proper tools to handle yourself in life, or even knowing who you are yet. But balancing that with the physical affects of medication can potentially put a very negative impression on them.
After my parents divorce, I became depressed and had a hard time focusing in school. So not only was I unfocused because of my ADD, I was unfocused because of the depression. In fact, many cases of ADHD are misdiagnosed because they have such similar symptoms to trauma.
In my case, I had a combination of a little bit of everything. The divorce made me believe I didn’t matter to my parents enough for them to stick together, even after years of therapy. So once I was put me on medication that changed my personality, I made up the belief that my parents didn’t want me to be myself so much that I’d need to be drugged in order to numb my personality.
Dark stuff, I know. But here’s the good news. Not every kid is going to feel the same, because everyone is different. But here’s the biggest tip I have to help you make sure you’re always doing what’s best for your kid in the way they want…
ADHD Kid Opinion #2: “I wish my parents would’ve valued my opinion more”
As a kid, we’re all aware “what the parent says, goes”, but there is a point where a kid reaches their limits. Personally, I was a pretty well behaved kid, (though I did struggle to focus and don’t get me started on how much I bounced around the walls at night).
But for a kid, we’re pretty aware we don’t have much power. So if we’re going to vent, there’s a chance it may be focused on ourselves.
Here are a few things I remember guilt tripping myself about:
My stepdad thinking I was bugging him on purpose by fidgeting all the time
My parents being frustrated with how much energy I had
Knowing that I didn’t have a voice about how I felt about taking medication
So here’s my opinion on a solution for each of the listed issues:
Give your kid something to fidget with like a fidget spinner, rubber band (if they’re old enough to be responsible with it), or a squishy stress ball. There are plenty of things they can fidget with that you can look up online.
Let them pick out what they want with your supervision, because it will take a TON of stress off of you if all their fidgeting energy is going into their toy. Just make sure the toy doesn’t make any noise. I don’t think I have to explain myself on that one.
Do your best not to explode, show anger, or put down your kid when they seem to misbehave or have too much energy. A neurodiverse child literally can’t help it. Imagine someone putting you down every time you used your dominant hand to write on something. Doesn’t seem fair right? What other choice do you have? That’s exactly how they feel.
Instead, take this as a great opportunity to level up their growth with responsibility in a fun way.
Take a deep breath and then begin to talk to them as if they’re young adults, rather than just kids losing control. Then make a bet with them with an intentional reward like, “I have a game challenge for you! If you keep nice and calm for me until I’m done shopping, I’ll buy you ice cream right after! Think you can do it?”. Then high five them and let the games begin.
But there’s one last thing I wanted more than anything when I was a kid…
ADHD Kid Opinion #3: “I wish my parents put more effort in understanding me, rather than fixing me, especially when I believed I needed to be fixed”
As you can tell, I’m not just writing this article to give you tips that will set you up with success as a parent of someone with ADHD. I’m writing this from the depths of my heart to voice my inner child self, so that your kid can feel heard in a way I never was.
As a kid with ADHD, you know you don’t fit into the world around you and you wonder if you’ll ever fit in when you grow up. I remember I used to blow out my birthday candles every year of my childhood, just wishing I’d blend in. Note that I personally didn’t want to fit in, I just wanted to feel like I belonged in society.
And though my parents absolutely did their best, and knowing I can’t blame them for not understanding what to do, it really would’ve made such a difference if I just felt more understood.
So here are a few tips you can take home to give your child the absolute best support:
Check in with them when you feel like they’re struggling with something.
Don’t just ask them if they’re ok, because they’ll give you the same answer as anyone that ever passes you by and asks, “how are you?”. After asking the first time, pause, sit down at eye level with them, set your intention to truly listen, and ask a second time, but with more specificity, “tell me how you feel about _____, because it really matters to me that I know how you’re feeling”. This is a life changer and remember, kids learn more from what you do than what you say to them.
Ask your kid where they feel like they’re struggling in school, society, homework, etc…and come up with a solution together on what you can do to help them. For me, I had so much energy and I knew it got on my parents nerves a little, so my mom and dad asked me what kind of sport I’d like to try. I told them I’d like to learn martial arts and the next thing I knew, I had a black belt just a few years later. (Really the black belt should’ve gone to my parents, because bravo).
And lastly, look into working with an ADHD coach who has had ADHD/ADD. Therapists are great to work with and they can even diagnose your kid, but what they lack is actually what I needed most: a teammate. I was sick and tired of being diagnosed, medicated, and researched like I was some sort of creature from outer space. I just wanted to feel normal and talk to somebody that understood me.
There’s just something practical and reassuring about having someone who’s been through what you’ve been through, and that knows exactly what can help in real life situations. It’s like asking someone who’s played basketball for years to teach your kid basketball, opposed to someone who only studies basketball, but never plays. And don’t get me wrong, I’d highly suggest connecting with a counselor. There are so many benefits to having their knowledge play a part.
But for me, I wanted someone by my side to talk to after school about the struggles I had, someone other than my parents that I could open up to, and someone that could give me hope through the next day, knowing that I would have personal tips to get me through the day.
This article should be a reflection of exactly why I became an ADHD coach. As someone who dedicated the first decade of his coaching career to teens and young adults for absolutely free, the one thing that speaks to me more than anything else is knowing I’m giving kids a voice to feel heard, understood, and powerful in a world that struggles understand them.
You’re a great parent and you do your best, so make sure to give yourself credit for what you do for them. Kids can sense when something is off with their parents, so remember that the better you treat yourself, the better they will feel too.
If you’d like to see how much an ADHD coach can help you and your child, click here to setup a FREE 15 minute virtual coffee call with me and we can go over what’s been going on and you can even snag a secret tip here and there to help the both of you get through life easily with a powerful sense of direction and clarity.
See more about me and my coaching at MasterADHDNow.com!
↓ The article summarized for my fellow ADHDers ↓
Basically the main points from my own childhood with ADHD:
Medication made things worse because I was going through something traumatic. Pills that changed my personality were more harmful than helpful.
I wish my parents valued my opinion more. No kid likes decisions being made for them, but when it’s something this personal that they’re going to deal with for the rest of their lives, you may want to get their opinion to see how they feel.
I didn’t want to be “fixed”, but understood. You can’t “fix” ADHD. That is like telling introverts they need medication and therapy just because they don’t know how to be social. We have a different brain type, not a loose screw. In fact in most cases, those with ADHD are very intelligent and just need a little help from their teachers and parents so they can have a little more freedom to do what works best for them.
I highly suggest watching this Ted talk as well. It’s very informative.